To be honest, Dolly Parton kind of freaks me out. I’m not sure why, but she does. But she’s a pretty smart lady.
Or she made one pretty smart observation.
“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
I am standing in the rain. The pouring rain. Waiting.
When does the rainbow thing happen again?
I’ve been struggling with writing this post. Mostly because it’s way too real, but it is something that I have to say. This blog is about my journey. This post is part of my journey.
My road to recovery has been bumpy. That is the way the road to recovery normally goes. I get that, but that doesn’t make the bumpy ride any easier.
I thought I was doing really well. Yes, I know I still don’t get in enough calories. Yes, I know I need to work on my protein intake. But my thinking didn’t change overnight to focusing on unhealthy, why would it change overnight to be healthy?
So there I was, on flat road, and then BAM: bumps.
1. My sister told me I looked too skinny. I looked sick. It was the first time anyone had ever said that to me. I honestly can’t tell. When I look in the mirror, I doubt I see a realistic reflection of myself. The fact that my sister thinks I look like a “skeleton” and that I think I’m still overweight (I’ll get to that) is a pretty good indicator.
2. I was planning on discontinuing my therapy after graduation. I owe a lot to both my individual and group therapy sessions. I would not be where I am today without them. But I felt like I knew where I needed to go and no one could get me there but me. Then, all of my psychiatrists recommended I continue with therapy. I wondered why?
3. My group psychiatrist recommended a center for me. I checked out their website and took a self-assessment. I realized that I still think I’m overweight. My BMI is a healthy 22.6 at the moment. I know that I should want to be in the 22.9-24.9 range for a variety of health reasons. I want to be thinner because in my mind, I’m still not thin.
Where does all that leave me?
in the pouring rain…
on a bumpy road…
waiting for a rainbow.
But I’m tired of waiting. Today, I’m taking…
I’m taking my life back.
I’m taking an active role.
Today, I’m taking the first step. Because every journey starts with a single step.
One day that will be true. Today is not that day. Today, I’m waiting… waiting to want to stop waiting.
But today, I made a phone call. It’s not everything, but it’s something.