Recovery: Bittersweet Reality


Throughout my recovery from my eating disorder, I have struggled a lot with the idea of a “happy weight.”

To me, “happy weight” means the weight at which my body feels great physically and I feel great about my body mentally.

Since the beginning of my weight loss journey, I’ve always had a general idea of what I considered to be my “happy weight” and I made that weight my goal.

The first time that I hit what I thought would be my “happy weight,” I was shocked. I wasn’t happy. I still felt overweight.

So I lowered goal weight.

I hit that goal.

And I lowered it again.

As I continue to lose weight, I find myself wondering: Will I ever be good enough for myself? Will I ever be happy with my body? Will there ever be a time that I can look at the scale and be happy? Will my body be physically happy if I do find a find that satisfies me psychologically? What if my “happy weight” and my running goals are incompatible? Would I sacrifice running for my “happy weight?”

To me, the idea of a “happy weight” is bittersweet. It’s this vague, definition-less idea that I chase after relentlessly. To find my happy weight would be sweet, but so far the journey has been pretty bitter. I’d love to find my “happy weight,” but today that goal seems unachievable. Hopefully this is something my new eating disorder team will be able to help me change.

How did you find your happy weight?


About Katie

I'm a college student who is trying to find her feet in the world of cooking healthy and incorporating food healthfully into my world!
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2 Responses to Recovery: Bittersweet Reality

  1. Darla says:

    Interesting post. I’m not sure what my happy weight will be. I think it will be when I want to go out and do things and I’m not scared (will I fit, can I do this?).

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