After yesterday’s post, you guys are probably wondering why I am continuing with food journaling this week.
Something changed yesterday afternoon though. I was able to convince myself that it was okay that I was hungry and the natural response to hunger was to give my body want it needed.
I was able to escape the belief that I was giving my body what it wanted but didn’t need.
Something that I continue to work on with my eating disorder is allowing myself to have things I want, but might not necessarily need. As I wrote in each item down in my food journal, I thought of each calorie I took in as a calorie I wanted, but didn’t need. Somedays (i.e. – Monday) I am completely convinced, despite all logical and scientific evidence to the contrary, that I don’t need calories. I just want them.
(Learning to allow myself to have things I want is a mini-goal for a different week).
In order to survive this week, I had to change how I viewed my calorie intake. (Learning to allow myself to have things I want is a mini-goal for a different week)
I took a big breath and told myself that I was hungry because my body needed the calories, no matter how ridiculous my mind thought that was.
I pushed all doubt out of my head because I knew any doubt would ensure failure.
This morning when I woke up, it was a new day.
I’ve journaled all day with minimal feelings of guilt. I haven’t restricted. I haven’t thought twice about what I’m putting in my mouth. I know that what I put into my mouth is healthy and good for me and I need the calories.
I’m glad I didn’t pack in in yesterday when I was teetering on the edge of failure.
Will I be able to sustain this feeling of acceptance toward the necessity of calories? I’m not sure. But today, I can.